The Amazing Cashew-Eating Boy

Come one, come all! Step right up to the center stage, right here in the living room of this shitty basement apartment! Come on and see the man who eats cashews! He sits on his ass all day on this very couch, known to eat 2 whole pounds of cashews in one sitting! Read the label on that big container folks, I’m not kidding! He’s gotta go to class? Don’t matter! He will finish that container before he gets up. Drunk or sober, don’t matter to him. Eats like an expert! Tunes everything out I tell ya. Couldn’t learn such a talent, yer born with it I say! Even the strongest of men, the biggest of beasts, have attempted the feats set by the Mellow Man over here, and what became of them all? Failures, I tell you! Many had to get their stomachs pumped. Some puked up their guts all over themselves. Others keeled over right then and there. In any matter, you are looking at the champion, the only, the one-of-a-kind sensation, you love him because you know you could never be him! This fella’s got protein running through his veins by now! And he shows no signs of slowing! No flash photography, folks!